On Rape and Reporting

AN: Cross-posted from Felife, so it’s in a linkable form.

Hi, my name is Nora, and I was raped. I’ll probably write about the details of my rape later, but following our statement yesterday (see the previous link) a lot of people have been asking if there’s been any legal action taken, any police reports filed, etc etc etc. Yes, there has. I just filed one. (Case number 12-129446, for the record).

You know what’s pretty fucked up, though? That people are asking as though it makes the rape more or less real. That people are acting like it’s the next logical step for any rape victim. It doesn’t and it isn’t. To date I know of at least eight women he has assaulted or raped and, even if none of them file a police report, those will all be just as real as my experiences. They will be just as much rape.

Reporting is terrifying. It means you will have to tell strangers your story. It means intimate details of your life will be on display to police officers you have never met. It dredges up every self-blaming, self-hating thought you’ve had and parades them through your head. Every nasty comment, every victim blaming piece of tripe that comes up in threads about rape? I’ve thought worse about myself. Reporting puts you through all that and all you’ve got is yourself and any support network you’ve been lucky enough to build.

It makes a lot of sense not to report. Frankly, reporting was the most counter-intuitive thing I’ve ever done. If, like me, you’re kinky or poly or queer and any of that was involved in your rape, if it wasn’t some stranger in a dark alley or you didn’t scream “NO,” it is a potentially terrifying prospect to go through a process that amounts to outing yourself to the police and your community. It makes even more sense not to report if you don’t think it will do any good. If you think people won’t listen to you why would you speak up? If you think you’ll be told the community is more important than naming your accuser why would you put yourself through this?

I am incredibly lucky. I have a fantastic support network of people who love me and a therapist who is the most kink-friendly vanilla person I’ve ever met. That’s why I feel comfortable coming forward. Not everyone has that, not everyone has the luxury of feeling safe enough to go to the police or even tell their partner or their friend what happened. That’s why I’m speaking up and offering my face and my name for this. Because he didn’t just rape and assault some nameless, faceless group of women, he raped me.

On Curves, Hip Bones, and Real Women

Note: This is slightly adapted from a post I wrote on my Fetlife. I was going to add more but I think it stands as it is. 

Concern trolling isn’t welcome here. We can all agree unhealthiness is undesirable, but unless you’re House (and I am guessing you aren’t), just taking a gander at someone will tell you very little about their physical or mental well being. I will not respond to comments stating otherwise with grace, maturity, or politeness.

I hate the phrase “real women have curves.” Absolutely hate it.

Don’t get me wrong, celebrating body diversity is great, but that’s not what this is. This is policing who is and is not “really” a woman based solely on some arbitrary physical quality. You know who’s a real woman? Absolutely anyone who genuinely says they are.

There’s this picture I’ve seen around Fetlife of a curvy woman’s silhouette that reads “bones are for the dog, meat is for the man” and it strikes me as incredibly problematic. Setting aside the heteronormative male gaze business that’s going on, it’s important to recognize that that body image issues aren’t tied to one size or shape. All this rhetoric does is perpetuate a cycle of hurtful, exclusionary talk about female beauty that’s predicated on competition and cutting differing appearances down.

Yes, our culture tends to privilege thinness, and we should examine the fuck out of that, but let’s talk about attractiveness and body image in a way that recognizes that our beauty norms fuck everyone over, and in a way that’s self-affirming without being prescriptive or exclusionary. Stating a preference is one thing, but generalizing based on that to form rules about attractiveness for all women (or all people, really) just perpetuates this damaging cycle we’re trying to avoid.

This is internalized misogyny, folks; policing women for being too thin or losing weight or not having the right curves is just as awful as calling someone a fat cow or a pig. No body type is somehow more or less objectively desirable (as if there were such a thing) based on bust size or visible hip bones or whatever’s in vogue today. Curves are glorious, so are flat stomachs and narrow hips. This isn’t a competition, stop treating it like one.

Boundaries

It’s an interesting thing, being a lady on the internet. It is a really great, supportive place to find folks to cheer you on, to have great conversations, and to form communities. On the other hand, people sometimes feel really goddamn entitled to your time/attention/sexuality, just ’cause. This is the (hopefully understandable) reason I sometimes ask that conversations stay in the public realm on Twitter, hesitate to give out my email/personal details, and generally give guys (even ones who have not given me any provocation) the side-eye when they ask about taking an internet conversation private. In my experience conversations like the one reproduced below are much rarer when the entire internet can see.

I want to be clear about something: this post isn’t directed at the sort of person you’re going to meet in a minute. If you find yourself in conversations like these, where your conversational partner is reacting like I did, I really hope you take something from this, but you aren’t who I’m talking to here. This post is for everyone who has told me that if I were just clearer about my boundaries that guys would back off or that women just aren’t clear enough about expressing their discomfort.

[NB: these are Twitter DM's so read from the bottom of the image up.]

To be clear, this conversation moved to DM’s after a few @’s back and forth about movies. He asked and I didn’t want to clog up feeds talking about how good the new Batgirl is (THE BEST), so I agreed. In reading this first exchange you may think I was being a little touchy, reading too much into things, but my experience has shown that it is much better to err on the side of caution in these things, particularly since people so love to use that line about women expecting people to read minds about boundaries.

(Ladies, I bet you know what comes next.)

What I look like & my relationship status: TOTALLY RELEVANT TO GAME DESIGN.

What Internet Dude Wants: 3, Boundaries: 0

Now, here we run into something that is really extra not okay: not just ignoring my line but attempts to shame me because I don’t want to do what he wants. The implication here is pretty clearly that I am in favor of/like life being closed (what does that even mean?) because I won’t brook internet sexytalk. Uh, no, I just don’t know you dude.

Seriously. People I know and am comfortable with CANNOT GET ME TO STOP talking about sex. I overshare frequently. Hell, sometimes I overshare here, just read the archives.

So boy, that sure was some passive aggressive bullshit right there about not wanting to hear about how unattractive I find him (don’t worry, there’s more later!), I don’t ever remember saying those words. Not being comfortable with the flirting and shit has nothing to do with attractiveness and everything to do with you REPEATEDLY IGNORING WHEN I SAID NO. That’s called rape culture and it’s not okay.

This bit is particularly interesting to me. I thought the conversation was over given, you know, the whole “goodnight” bit, but I guess not? More passive aggressive behavior, some needling, some justifying, blah blah blah. At this point I’ve decided that responding is just egging him on so I let it be.

At which point he takes it back to @’s to just make extra sure I feel exactly how I have said I feel. I thought I was pretty clear?

Aaaaaand I’m a cunt who lead him on with all my talk about not being comfortable and a Twitter bio that acknowledges I have a sexuality. (People really need to find a better insult. I like cunts.)

So, hopefully this is very clearly some Not Okay behavior. What I want to talk about, though, is what it means for the well meaning advice of “just establish boundaries” and the like. Telling me that I’m just not being clear enough is not only a little paternalistic and patronizing, it assumes that the onus is on me to fend off creepy dudes rather than on dudes to avoid being creepy (NB: I am using gendered language here to speak to my experience, not because this is always how these situations break down).

It ignores the very clear reality that drawing clear boundaries is not only often not enough, it is likely to draw reprisals from the party whose entitled demands are being stymied. I got off easy, he just called me a bad word and deleted all our conversations (yay screenshots!), I’ve had threats of violence, other women have actually had folks follow through on those threats. Telling me to draw better lines ignores all those times when I dread the risks of saying no more than I dread the consequences of saying yes, when I feel like I’ll be hurt more if I say no than I will be if I say yes. It ignores the times when, for whatever reason, no isn’t an option.

It breaks down to this: I don’t just forget about the word no, if it’s available I’ve probably already used it. Talking to me about clear boundaries is saying that you’ve never had to worry about reprisals or had your no’s ignored enough to make them feel meaningless. I envy you, I seriously do, but you need to stop it, it’s insulting and unhelpful. Try telling people to respect boundaries and create non-threatening spaces instead.

Stories & Housekeeping

Hi! So, I’m alive and stuff. You may have noticed there is a new theme, I am not entirely sold on it so things will probably be shifty around here for the time being. I’ve been struggling a little with finding the impetus to finish posts, and with being satisfied once they’re written. I am making myself hit publish on this, more edits may or may not appear. Now, on to more interesting things!

Lately my focus has been turning towards the intersection of gaming, tabletop culture, and feminism. Attending GenCon was a great source of motivation, for a number of reasons.  The internet is positively teaming with resources for general feminism stuffs, but there are not quite so many options when it comes to this particular slice of geekery.  So, here I am!  My goal is to write about the ways in which my particular identities (feminist, queer, etc.) intersect with and inform my gaming in a way that’s interesting and, if I’m lucky, maybe a little relevant.

TL;DR: I’m going to be focusing more exclusively gaming now, get out while you can.

I think, given the change in focus, it’s important to talk about why I game, at least a little bit. (Note: when I talk about gaming here I am referring specifically to tabletop role playing games, games in which people collaborate to tell or explore a story by inhabiting characters and a world not their own. These games come in a multitude on flavors and styles, but the key element to me is storycrafting in one form or another.)

It is at this point a political action to tell it like it is, to say what I really believe about my life instead of what I’ve always been told to say.

-Carol Hanisch
The Personal is Political

Gaming can be an incredibly empowering thing, particularly in a society in which, as this brilliant guest post at Story by the Throat examines, we have largely handed over storytelling to other people, to the “professionals.” Telling stories has been, historically, how we  make sense of the world, how we generalize our experiences and find order in chaos. Storytelling  has created the current cultural narrative around sexual assault and rape, and fought against it. It has justified genocide and helped heal survivors after trauma. Told us that grief functions on a predictable timeline. Storytelling is powerful, complicated stuff.

I tell stories here, sometimes. I don’t do it because I particularly enjoy it (although sometimes I do), it arises from a deep dissatisfaction and anger with the stories I am hearing told by our culture. What stories, you ask? Well, tales with morals like “you should expect to be raped if you go out at night in a short skirt” or “if you deviate from the norms we have set out you are less of a person.” Those are the stories I grew up hearing and, frankly, they’re pretty fucked. I struggled with the lessons they taught me in the aftermath of my sexual assault, trying to figure out if I was “really” a victim because what I was experiencing didn’t fit the narrative I’d been told time and time again of what Real Assault looked like. Now I tell my stories because if one person can hear them and realize that what they are feeling is valid too, that there are other narratives out there, then it is already worth feeling a little insecure and awkward for putting them out there. I tell them because I feel like I haven an obligation to, to myself and my younger sister and everyone who gets fucked by the kyriarchy but doesn’t know that there’s any other way to be.

I see gaming as telling someone your story, in a very immediate and personal way. Every character I have created says something about me, and about my story, even if it is indirectly. (Yes, even my D&D characters if I think about it.) Gaming  can be healing for me, which is maybe not surprising given that the empowering, restorative impact of telling stories is well documented. Around the table, with friends, I can explore snippets of my experiences, of my traumas, of my thoughts, but they aren’t mine, per se. They are things that are like mine, but they are happening to that character, over there. This doesn’t mean that I am never triggered, but there is a level of distance that makes them safe, or at least safer, to poke around in, and provides a way for me to share those experiences without sitting someone down to tell them about the time I was assaulted or won the spelling be.

Fundamentally, gaming is a survival mechanism. We create something that is much bigger than five people sitting around a table with a pile of dice, we create a world inhabited with living, breathing, flawed beings and act out their hopes and wants and dreams. Telling stories is sometimes messy and raw and occasionally falls flat on its face, but what matters for me more than anything else is the exhilarating empowerment and agency involved in the very act of doing it. I unequivocally think gaming is a sort of quiet, revolutionary act. It’s one giant middle finger to society that tells me there is One True Story and I should just shut up and accept it.

Skepticism & Surviving

[TW: sexual assault]

I’m a survivor.

That I was assaulted isn’t a secret, particularly if you read this blog or follow me on Twitter. The details don’t matter, at least not for this post, other than to say that it was by friends in an environment I felt deeply safe in. I don’t blame anyone, that wouldn’t be productive or accurate, but it has shaken to the core my assumption that I can expect empathy and care from others. That I can trust people with my safety. Right now everyone looks like a rapist.

I feel guilty because, even as a feminist and someone who writes and thinks about these sorts of things, it has been really hard for me to come to grips with claiming the words “sexual assault” as what happened. There is a cultural narrative that if you’re assaulted, if you’re raped, you’ll know. That it will be clear and unconfusing and not this muddled pile of things I am sitting here staring at. I still struggle with referring to it as anything other than “that day” or “what happened to me” because phrases like sexual assault are reserved for something bigger, something badder, whatever that might be. I feel helpless because things trigger me and I still blame myself for it. I know that I’m wrong about all of this, but there’s a difference between knowing something and believing it.

All of this is a preamble, really, to what I actually want to talk about: why, for me, identifying as skeptic and a survivor are mutually exclusive.

If you are on the internet & involved with various feminist, skeptic circles you have probably heard about the fiasco surrounding Rebecca Watson/Richard Dawkins. If you haven’t, here is Rebecca Watson’s response to the whole business (including handy links to other reactions) which I suggest you read before finishing this post or it won’t make much sense.

This past week has been a point-by-point example of why the skeptic movement is a highly unsafe place for me. Sure, there are tons of wonderful, amazing people, but there are also people who make “jokes” like this:

and then assert that calling out the “joke” is more of a disservice to survivors of assault than the tweet was. (I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on that one.)  There are seriously respected community leaders who trivialize and mock a woman talking about feeling unsafe because worse things are happening somewhere else.  There are comments that make me want to curl up in bed and never touch my computer again.  None of these things create a safe or even vaguely welcoming environment for any woman, much less someone who has survived sexual trauma and might, say, feel unsafe around men sometimes.

It is argued that atheism & the skeptic movement are a refuge for women from the generally oppressive forces of religion. And, you know, I really wish that were true. I think skepticism and feminism should go together like kittens and the internet, but I straight up cannot involve myself in a(nother) community that triggers me again and again and then calls me irrational and humorless for it.  You aren’t a refuge unless you’re meaningfully better than the alternative.

I expect sexist bullshit and insensitivity in other places and  other forums, I really do. I’m braced for it. But seeing this kind of unthinking misogyny in a community I desperately want to endorse and participate in is a little like a sucker punch. I want to think that I can trust atheists and skeptics because they are compassionate and rational thinkers, but I can’t. I’m sure the majority of the community is swell, but this is about the risk vs. reward calculations I have to make as a survivor. Feel free to write me off as overreacting or as someone who is letting a few bad eggs spoil my experience, but after reading that “joke” I was on the edge of a panic attack most of the night.  Apparently that’s just fine. Apparently I shouldn’t speak up about my concerns because there are women elsewhere in the world who have it so much worse. Apparently me feeling safe doesn’t matter.  Well fuck that.

I’m a survivor.  I want to be a part of a community that believes the same things that I do, that values rationality over blind faith, but it’s clear that many of those people look down on survivors and what we go through. I can’t make progress healing if all the blaming and the doubt I visit on myself are continually being echoed back at me by people who should respect me and my ideas.  I thought there was a home for me in the skeptic community, but clearly that was wishful thinking.

Another Response

Alternate Title: OH GOD NORA WHY ARE YOU SO REACTIONARY ALL THE TIME

So!  There is a post that happened, about how to be a “chaotic good” gamer (basically an ally) at the table, and a post sort-of-but-not-really in response to it, and then a third post inspired by the first two posts (which links me as a resource! I am seriously flattered up in here).  So, basically, everyone is Talking! About! Stuff! and I think that is really fucking cool and you should go read all  three, although in a second I am about to run down a critique of The Angry DM’s not-really-response.  So, actually, that is less a suggestion and me saying you should pause this for a second, go read your source material, and then we can get started!

Good?  Alright, let’s do this.

A few things, before we really get into the meat of it:

• I am not as nice here as I usually am, for a number of reasons.  Mostly I am way past having the patience for it, you are getting the tone my thoughts process with before they get filtered down to acceptable levels of crassness and snark.
• People being marginalized in gaming is not a rare thing.  It happens more than is comfortable to admit.  How do I know?  Because it happens to me and people I know, and also because, hey, we are on the internet where people share experiences.
• Privilege is not an insult and should not be a divisive term.  We’ve covered this.  If you think it is you need to go back, re-read, and do some serious introspection to figure out why it bugs you so much.
• Corollary: while we are all people, the experiences of marginalized folks and privileged folks are going to be different.  This impacts the way we approach and react to things.  Pretending it doesn’t is sort of silly.
• Triggers are a real thing.  (See the post linked above.)

 It seems that, whenever the topic of inclusion in D&D comes up, it is always about a particular marginalized (or apparently marginalized group) reminding me that social inequalities exist, they are wrong, and they shouldn’t be allowed at my table. Of course inequalities exist. I’m not stupid. And my table is an environment I can control so I can make sure the inequalities don’t rear their ugly heads. I don’t disagree.

Patronizing tone of “apparently marginalized” aside, I am sort of on board at this point.  I mean, it’s awesome that a GM would actively work to make their table a safe space and try to prevent inequalities from popping up.  Truly.  As someone who talks about inequalities, sometimes as they relate to gaming, I do want to point out that it is brought up not to insult your intelligence but rather because there’s a whole slew of folks who aren’t up to speed yet.  It’s awesome that you’ve got your shit figured, but you aren’t the only person these posts are being written for.

What I disagree with is the division of victims of inequality and disrespect. Group A, group B, group C, they never get a fair shake, so we have to fix that.

There are two fundamental problems with this approach. First, it encourages division instead of equality. Whenever someone says “as a woman, I have a right to a safe, respectful, and comfortable environment,” that reinforces the idea that this is a unique problem to women. Or blacks. Or Latinos. Or homosexuals. Or people from New Jersey. Whatever. The correct statement is, and always will be, “as a human being, I have a right to a safe, respectful, and comfortable environment.” Second, but closely related, there is also a strong implication that if you are not a part of one of those particular, recognized groups, your problem is personal, not social. But I don’t want to flog that horse anymore except to say this: if you say you have been mistreated, you will find me a staunch ally. However, if you try draw a line between me and you and tell me that I have a moral imperative to help you because you are part of some particular group, you will mark yourself in my eyes as an unwitting part of the problem. And I won’t want to share your side.

Alright, sort of?  When I, as a woman, say that “as a woman I have a right to a safe, respectful, and comfortable environment” what I am saying is that I deserve one too.  Frankly, my needs as a queer woman are sometimes different from that of a heterosexual man’s in terms of an environment and, let’s face it, the majority of environments we’re going to be talking about here were designed for hetero, white, cis dudes.  The second part about the implication, I’m honestly not sure where that’s coming from.  To be frank, odds are there are differences between me and you, and pointing to them can be a good way to illustrate why I need the things I need to feel comfortable.

 …at the end of the day, this is a game. Its a thing people to do to relax and enjoy themselves. Yes, its a social game, but I don’t need a social circle beyond three to five like-minded individuals to enjoy it. And, you know what? You don’t have any special right to join my social circle just because we both like the same game. I’m not denying you a job or a fair share of the social pie. I’m deciding who I am and am not friends with.

This is totally true, in so far as we are excluding convention games, etc. from the portion of games we’re talking about.  I do want to touch, though, on something that feels a little disingenuous about the characterization of “I’m deciding who I am and am not friends with,” namely, that’s a nice sugar coating for saying “I am deciding that I’m totally cool with perpetuating pervasive systemic and and social behaviors that marginalize, threaten, and demean certain groups.”  If you are cool with that, then more power to you.  I mean, sure, it’s not like you’re barring anyone access to a social….oh, wait.  Awkward.

At this point he cites the example of a new guy who approaches him and his friends to throw darts at folks because it is a common interest.  Later, he and his friends begin quoting from The Office, to which New Dude replies:

“Oh, I hate that show. It makes me very uncomfortable. Can you stop referencing it?” Of course, we love that show. We throw quotes around all the time. Now, we have a choice to make: we can be inclusive and police our behavior in the name of inclusion or we can say no and the new guy can go find someone else to throw darts at next week. Morally, you might say we should probably be inclusive. Maybe you’d be right. But we have no duty to open our circle of friendship to include the newcomer if we don’t wish to. Even if its for foolish reasons.

Holy misrepresentation, Batman!  My reactions to marginalizing language are like some dude’s opinions on The Office as a banana is like the sun.  I mean, sure, they’re both yellow, and important to keeping you healthy, just like he and I both experience emotions and stuff, but that’s about it.  Remember that part at the beginning about how triggers are a real thing?  This is where it matters.

You see, I am a ladyperson who has some triggers, particularly about sexual violence.  If , for some wacky reason, they come up with strangers I try to express politely to the people triggering me that, actually, they are bringing up some seriously heavy shit for me and I’m about to have a panic attack.  Funny story, actively harming me is usually enough of a reason for someone to stop talking about something they and their friends find hilarious until I am out of earshot.  This doesn’t mean we’re going to be BFF’s forever, or that I’m part of their “circle of friendship,” it just means that they’re decent fucking people.

“But Nora,” you might say, “what if it isn’t triggering anyone?  Surely then I am well within my rights to keep telling hilarious jokes that are making people around me seriously uncomfortable!”  I am sorry to break it to you, dear heart, but you are not, and that telepathy sure must come in handy!   Remember all those times I talked about rape culture?  Systemic oppression? Kyriarchy?  That is what your refusal to stop telling your hilarious rape jokes is contributing to.  Cut that shit out.  You may have every right in the world (or just one: free speech) to keep talking about whatever is triggering me or making me feel unsafe, but I find it hard to think of a reason why you should, or why it’s justifiable.  Again: doing actual, quantifiable harm to someone.  Frankly, why the fuck are you excluding people on the basis of their not wanting to hear a rape joke?

It is assumed within society that people (well, generally white cis dudes) can talk about whatever the fuck they want, and if you’ve got an issue with it then, well, suck it up!  This is America!  It’s ingrained in our culture, our norms.  If you get triggered, if you feel unsafe, that’s on you, not the folks creating that environment.  Talking about whatever the fuck you want with no regard for the people around you isn’t something that needs defending.  It is, frankly, the equivalent of saying “But straight people deserve to get married too!” at a Pride Parade.  Let’s not play games, what this boils down to is, really, a person’s decision continue to deliberately be harmful towards other people and exercise rights at their expense.  Justify that to me, please.

The problem is, what is on the line is not a basic human right. What is on the line is the right of my friends and I to, within the privacy of our social circle, behave however we wish vs. the right of the newcomer to be a member of our social circle. And the last time I checked, no one has a god given right to be in my social circle.

Except that yes, it is.  Last I checked the right to feel safe in public spaces was still a thing, has that changed?  I mean, in the given example the conversation is taking place in an ER waiting room.  Places are private, social circles are not.  To expand: you have privacy because you are in the confines of your home, not because you are hanging out with your buddies.

• ER: public
• Game store: public
• Library: public
• Convention: public
• Your basement: private

As long as you are in a public space you don’t get to do whatever the fuck you want just because you and your bros go way back.  Feel free to douchecanoe away within the confines of your home, but the second you set foot outside your door you can’t call privacy rights.  Sorry, that’s not how it works.

But, the problem is, I still have to defend the right of the asshole, in his relaxation and within the privacy of his social circle, to be an asshole. Because, the moment I say otherwise, I have to give up my own right to choose who my friends are and how I enjoy myself. And, ultimately, that is the problem with the “inclusion in gaming” argument. It amounts to demanding the right to ask people to adjust their behavior (however rotten) so that they can include you in their private recreation. It assumes you are somehow naturally entitled to friendship with everyone and anyone

I’m just gonna repeat these once more for clarity.

1. Your social circle does not afford you privacy.
2. We are not talking about friendship here.  We are talking about behavior that actively harms people.

You know what?  I’m actually pretty okay with demanding the right to ask people to adjust their behavior so that other folks don’t feel marginalized, unwelcome, or unsafe.  You heard it here first folks: I’m advocating for the feminist thought police.

But, in all seriousness, fuck your friendship, it’s not really what I care about here.  I just want to feel safe.

Responding and Whatnot

Hey!  So, sporadic posting! It happens!  I’m going to stop making promises about being better about it because they will probably be lies.

So, as you may or may not have heard, I was involved in a round table over at The Walking Eye in which we discussed how identity and gaming interact with each other.  The response has been really cocklewarmingly positive, but some comments on the podcast have me wanting to write out a longer response (mostly because they are things I wanted to talk about anyway).  This won’t be particularly organized, just quotes and responses.  As always, if you want to engage about what I’ve said here you’ve got the comments section.

If you don’t speak up about activity that offends you, especially if the other players weren’t even aware they were being offensive, then how could they ever know to be different? If I had been at that table and just discovered in this podcast why that lady never came back to the game, I would be devastated; both because I had caused offense and because I had been so judged without any chance to make amends or learn from my mistake.

I think that, on the one hand, calling people on their shit is helpful, particularly assuming good intentions on the part of the person who was doing something icky.  On the other, I know that I personally don’t have the energy for it, be it online, with friends, or at a convention (as is the context this came up in the ‘cast) and, speaking from experience, it’s something of a risky endeavor in that it can result in anything from genuine contrition to, in some cases, ugly words and threats of violence.  It’s like Schrödinger’s cat, but with  hateful words instead of a dead feline.

So, yes, in a perfect world someone would say something shitty, someone would call them on it, and everyone would move on happily, but, to be a little cliché, this really isn’t a perfect world.  Marginalized folks really aren’t under any obligation to educate the uninformed, even if (as was cited in the podcast) they’re doing something really fucked up like spouting imitation Chinese.   (You’d think that not being okay would be a no-brainer, no?)  As mentioned, it takes time and energy and I’m not always willing to expend those.  (For a longer, more in-depth discussion of the topic,  Alas! A Blog has reprinted a nice piece on the issue.)

Anyone who consults a dictionary will be aware that the word ‘rape’ has multiple different senses of which it can be used, and only a few of these senses have anything to do with forced sexual activity. To suggest that the word, when used in it’s other, perfectly valid senses, somehow trivializes forced sexual assault is not making any sort of political statement: it simply demonstrates that the person suggesting this is ignorant of the basic facts of the English language…

If the listener chooses to deliberately select, from the definitions offered by the dictionary, the one allows them to be offended, in preference to the other offered definitions and despite the alternative definition both making more sense and being inoffensive in the context of use, then this is a choice that I believe shows a lot more about the listener than about the person who used the word.

Alright, first off, I looked rape up on dictionary.com to contextualize this and approximately 1/3 of the definitions of rape provided (excluding botanical uses for obvious reasons) did not explicitly mention sexual violence.  None of that 1/3 was offered as a primary definition.  I feel like it’s a little disingenuous to say that one simply chooses to associate rape with sexual violence, that association has been around (based on some cursory googling) since the 15th century.  On Google you hit rape as a botanical term (page three) before you hit a reference to it as general atrocities (Amazon result for The Rape of Nanking, page 6, although the Nanking Massacre had a heavy component of sexual violence [TW: graphic images, descriptions] , so even this is a little dubious), and I’m pretty sure that players aren’t talking about an annual tap root being done to their character/base/whatever.  Further, I doubt when someone says “Oh man, I totally got raped in game” what they are actually trying to say is “Oh man, I was really seized forcefully/despoiled in game.”  Let’s add to that the fact that it’s often explicitly sexualized (“I’m going to rape your ass…” etc etc etc) and, well, ick.

Bottom line, there are plenty of other words that you can use to convey the same message without tapping into the sexual imagery of rape, and plenty of words that won’t trigger folks.

Speaking of triggers!

Can we please stop using recently made-up terms like “triggers” that are only really in use within a very specific community? It’s called being sensitive about something. There’s nothing wrong with the word sensitive. I take offense at the thought that people need to be cuddled and protected like that. If you have an issue that you cannot bear to explore in play bring it up before you do so as a veil or a line. Expecting a similar social contract on a worldwide scale seems rather silly.

Setting aside the (what I read to be, at least) patronizing tone of the comment, I completely agree that a lines/veils discussion is really, really important to have and respect in game.  I don’t think I ever called for an out-and-out ban on material that’s potentially triggering games, just that people should be aware of it.  I disagree, however, that this is simply being sensitive and, further, that people at large see nothing wrong with being sensitive.  I cannot count the number of times I’ve been told “Oh, you’re just being sensitive” when I’ve objected to something I found questionable.  While there is nothing inherently wrong with the descriptor, it’s often used to write folks off and, as such, has become sort of a loaded word.

Now, on to triggers!  Some cursory googling (I am using that word a lot today!) turns up “trigger” used as a term  in discussions about mental health and trauma, particularly as a shortened form of the phrase “trauma trigger,” as early as the mid 90′s  for a very, very long time.  It’s by no means exclusive to the feminist community, and one of the wonders of the internet is the ability to research and clarify terminology so we can have discussions across semantic lines.  I am a little surprised that someone would refer to having triggers as being sensitive to something, I feel like it may be due to a misunderstanding about what being triggered is.  In my experience sensitivity doesn’t set off panic attacks or flashbacks.  Saying that something is a trigger is referring to a very specific experience.  I’m sorry if it offends you, but this is reality for some trauma survivors.  Can we please stop telling people which words to use about their experiences because it is clearly just _____?  It smacks of “Oh, well, clearly I know better than you” and isn’t terribly productive.

Now, I’m not really up on the new-feminism terms and I might have misunderstood you but the “privelage” [sic] concept sounds incredibly divisive and destructive. I can sort of see a flawed logic in it, but only just. PLEASE correct me if I am wrong, but is the point of this to create equality not by restoring the dignity, rights and well being of a marginalized group but rather by vilifying the antonym of that group. I don’t like the idea that instead of making things better for group A, lets make it a bit worse for group B and everything will be alright.

Say I am white, and black people are being oppressed. Me, the individual has “white privelage” [sic] and as such the injustices that one black individual experiences are now my fault, just for being a member of the white group. I am being judged by what some individuals in my group might be doing to one black individual. Even worse, it’s implicitly said that whatever my actions might be are irrelevant, by being a part of the white group I have the privelage backpack construct that control my behavior. I’m expected to act a certain way because of my skin color so society must make sure control my actions and shame me, or my built-in tendencies will surely run amock!

To be blunt: no, not even a little.  Privilege isn’t about “fault” or “blame” or “making things worse” for anyone.  Rather, it’s about being aware of the invisible advantages we are afforded by factors outside of our control.  Saying, for instance, that I have privilege is in no way a statement about my character or an insult or saying that I am somehow directly responsible for the oppression of marginalized folks, it’s just a statement of fact, like saying  I have blue eyes.  I am not bad for having privilege just like I am not bad for having blue eyes. It’s a way to frame and discuss life experiences, that’s it.  If you’re curious/want to read more I’d recommend starting here, here, and here.  Go forth and educate yourself!  (Keep in mind that all three tend to frame privilege in terms of maleness, but, like I said, it takes a bunch of forms.  Yay intersectionality!)

I may post later this week about some other ideas brought up, but nothing as directly related.

Cheers!

In which I call it a night.

So, I was going to do up a nice post about trolls and how to engage respectfully and all that jazz, but then I got into an intense discussion about 500 Days of Summer (BLAME MCALISTER, OKAY) and now I have no energy for it.  Instead, have some OkCupid silliness, presented without comment.

You keep on using this word...

Rape culture, how original!

Hey folks!  So, I’ve been away a little (OKAY A LOT SHUT UP), but I promise that me and my awesome salted caramels are back to stay.  Well, not the caramels, but they are too tasty to spare.

[T/W for discussions of rape, violence against women, harassment.]

So, what’s been going on?  Well, I’ve been gainfully employed and having a social life  and actually doing things that do not involve a computer.  It’s been really weird, trust me.  I’ve also been contributing to You Can Has Dates!, a new dating advice website because, hey, I like telling people what to do and think I am pretty good at it.  I am also planning with a friend to record some awesome people talking about identity and gaming and how fucking awesome we are.  (Is there something you would be interested in hearing us talk about?  Drop me a line/comment!)  Also, dealt with some offline harassment and the (unrelated) posting of a nudez video of me on Reddit (which is down, so no frantic Googling for you).  So, basically, it’s been a busy few weeks!  (Also, if you are interested in what I find interesting & some of my even-less-formal stuff, follow me on Tumblr.  It’s fun, I promise.)

I wanted to talk, though, about what it always seems I come back to: rape culture.  You may remember when I posted a pretty visceral reaction to what was, ultimately, a staged video of a girl being raped at a party.  Frankly, I am not terribly interested in discussing with you if the act depicted is rape or not.  Point blank, it is.  If you don’t think so then I really don’t think you’ve been reading this blog terribly closely and you may want to go re-examine your views on consent or pick a different blog.

Now, back to the video & my reaction.  Frankly, I stand by a whole lot of what I wrote about it, I’m just struggling here with finding a balance between my belief that people really shouldn’t be shamed for their kinks and my belief that this is actively harmful and perpetuates really awful myths about consent, women, and rape.   To be very, very clear: this is not about shaming anyone for non-consent fantasies.  This is also not about condemning consensual play between adults.  This is about a video without any context intended to promote a fantasy that women enjoy being raped and that it is totally cool to do so when they are passed out in a corner.  I think what finally breaks this for me is, really, that without the disclaimer the video came with (“All parties are consenting, this is staged, blah blah blah”) the video models some really fucked up, uncool behavior and a completely unsafe way to act out that kink.  Without the context that the video is of consenting adults in a pre-arranged situation shit gets dicey really, really fast.

Okay, onto other, slightly less sticky topics!  Duke Nukem Forever!  There is this think called Capture-the-Babe which, oddly enough,  involves tossing a babe over your shoulder and carrying her back to your base, while smacking her on the bottom to “calm her down” from her “freak outs”.  Pretty obviously problematic, right?  Apparently some people disagree with this assessment? And also don’t get the big deal over trivializing & sexualizing violence against women who should just STFU and be absconded with already (possibly because sexual assault doesn’t happen really, really often or anything and ladies are totes just objects anyway)?  Violence against women, lolz!

Okay, I lied, I don’t actually want to write about this, it’s fucking depressing.  If you Seriously Don’t Get It, Guthera1 at The Border House,  Go Make Me a Sandwich, and Scott Madin at  Shakesville all have excellent, insightful responses to the whole debacle.  If you will excuse me, I have some delicious olive oil gelato to make.

ohai

So, I promised you posts.  I promised you them weeks ago.  And you will still get them, I swear!  But right now my life is super crazy and I have a job and also I organized a protest and had a nasty cold so basically blogging has taken a back seat.  I know, dear reader, that you must have missed me terribly so I am here to tell you now that everything will be okay.

Really, this post isn’t anything exciting, it’s just me checking in and making myself feel a little better about my AWFUL HORRIBLE slacking.  Shitty rape culture things have been going on and will continue to go on, but I just do not have the energy right now.  Something important I have learned from being a feminist on the internet: sometimes it is okay to say “Fuck it, I can’t deal with this shit” and take a personal day from people sucking.  Trust me, it can do wonders.  There is a whole lot in the world that makes me sad or angry or depressed or disappointed and because I am but a man! it gets really easy to forget that there are also things that are amazing and wonderful, like my cat or learning how to do really bitchin’ retro eyeliner.  Not to get all touchy-feely, but it’s important to remind ourselves that despite all that crap out there there is always red velvet cake.

Speaking of cake, it is my birthday in less than two months!  I will be 21!  Not that I am excited or anything.  I have come to terms with the reality that I totally want Tangled for my birthday.  A lot.  Yeah, a Disney movie.  A princess Disney movie.  Oh well, I will just have to take myself shopping at The Smitten Kitten to even things out.