Note: This is slightly adapted from a post I wrote on my Fetlife. I was going to add more but I think it stands as it is.
Concern trolling isn’t welcome here. We can all agree unhealthiness is undesirable, but unless you’re House (and I am guessing you aren’t), just taking a gander at someone will tell you very little about their physical or mental well being. I will not respond to comments stating otherwise with grace, maturity, or politeness.
I hate the phrase “real women have curves.” Absolutely hate it.
Don’t get me wrong, celebrating body diversity is great, but that’s not what this is. This is policing who is and is not “really” a woman based solely on some arbitrary physical quality. You know who’s a real woman? Absolutely anyone who genuinely says they are.
There’s this picture I’ve seen around Fetlife of a curvy woman’s silhouette that reads “bones are for the dog, meat is for the man” and it strikes me as incredibly problematic. Setting aside the heteronormative male gaze business that’s going on, it’s important to recognize that that body image issues aren’t tied to one size or shape. All this rhetoric does is perpetuate a cycle of hurtful, exclusionary talk about female beauty that’s predicated on competition and cutting differing appearances down.
Yes, our culture tends to privilege thinness, and we should examine the fuck out of that, but let’s talk about attractiveness and body image in a way that recognizes that our beauty norms fuck everyone over, and in a way that’s self-affirming without being prescriptive or exclusionary. Stating a preference is one thing, but generalizing based on that to form rules about attractiveness for all women (or all people, really) just perpetuates this damaging cycle we’re trying to avoid.
This is internalized misogyny, folks; policing women for being too thin or losing weight or not having the right curves is just as awful as calling someone a fat cow or a pig. No body type is somehow more or less objectively desirable (as if there were such a thing) based on bust size or visible hip bones or whatever’s in vogue today. Curves are glorious, so are flat stomachs and narrow hips. This isn’t a competition, stop treating it like one.
Yes, our culture tends to privilege thinness, and we should examine the fuck out of that, but let’s talk about attractiveness and body image in a way that recognizes that our beauty norms fuck everyone over,
Amen, yes, this. And not just with women (although, christ women have it bad with decades-long media-created cultural memes). Fat men are desexualized in mainstream media: we’re either the funny guy, the angry guy, or the guy that teaches the lesson that you should look past initial impressions/beauty is skin deep/etc. But never one of sex, even though I know a lot of heavy dudes who ooze charisma and charm (and make themselves pretty sexy doing so).
The real problem, regardless of gender, is that when you’re bombarded with a judgmental image long enough, you start to believe it. And then you get into a bad place, where you constantly wear a coat of shame and self-loathing, permeating your whole life. That’s some bullshit there.
Maybe we should start a subversive campaign, like “Real Women have Atoms” or “Such Masculine Molecules.” No, no, that’s too low-brow. We need something that truly taps into the zeitgeist.
- Ryan
Yes, this. Bravo.
This makes a great point. It’s always bothered me a little that I’m considered less “feminine” because I’m very skinny and I have small breasts. It also bothers me when people tell me that I “need to eat”. I fucking eat plenty! This is just my natural, healthy weight.
It’s a little upsetting to see some people react to the popular cultural idea of beauty by saying similar things, but in the opposite direction (like in the picture you linked).
I think this is nitpicking at some point. Men and women are attracted by their very nature to certain physiological features of each other. Denying and screaming this is unfair will not change that. Some women like men with hairy chests. Some men love Blondes. Saying real women love hairy men doesn’t seem to invoke the kind of passion as real women have curves does. Growing more hair is not really an option so am I discriminated against and made to feel less of a man??
I think that the entire issue of weight is a hot button for many people(me included, being a little chunky.)
I don’t think that it is rational to think people are going to change their nature though. I do believe they should be more careful about what they say and to whom though and THAT I think is a valid point. I do however think saying that you like a certain physical feature or type of feature on someone is not wrong. It is just your opinion. Certainly society encourages most women to be Model thin and I think the “Real Women have Curves statement is in protest to that commercialized image of women. It may be wrong to say so but I don’t “THINK” anyone says that with the intention of hurting anyone.
You always make me stop and think. EVERY TIME. Keep it up. Not sure my comment is helpful but it is heartfelt and a little confused as you have me thinking again and I am not sure of all I say.
Very informative blog.Really looking forward to read more.
Thanks so much for the post. Much obliged.
No body type is somehow more or less objectively desirable (as if there were such a thing) based on bust size or visible hip bones or whatever’s in vogue today.
Actually I disagree with this. Sure, attraction is an opinion. But there are definitely things you can do to your body to make yourself FAR less likely to attract other human beings. For example, you could remove your eyes and replace them with little ceramic skulls. Or you could graft a taxidermied hyena head onto your face. Yes, these things would probably make you more attractive to some individual. But they would – objectively – severely limit your ability to choose your mate.
Wow, that’s a whole lot of mental gymnastics you went through to disprove a line from my post. If we’re going to nit pick I would ask how either of those fall under body type or who decided we’re defining “objective attractiveness” as one’s ability to find a partner, but let’s not since I much prefer engaging substantively and in good faith.
Why did you feel the need to read through a post about body image and identity policing and then…derail with this?
Just to let you know your site looks a little bit strange in Firefox on my netbook using Linux .