AN: Cross-posted from Felife, so it’s in a linkable form.
Hi, my name is Nora, and I was raped. I’ll probably write about the details of my rape later, but following our statement yesterday (see the previous link) a lot of people have been asking if there’s been any legal action taken, any police reports filed, etc etc etc. Yes, there has. I just filed one. (Case number 12-129446, for the record).
You know what’s pretty fucked up, though? That people are asking as though it makes the rape more or less real. That people are acting like it’s the next logical step for any rape victim. It doesn’t and it isn’t. To date I know of at least eight women he has assaulted or raped and, even if none of them file a police report, those will all be just as real as my experiences. They will be just as much rape.
Reporting is terrifying. It means you will have to tell strangers your story. It means intimate details of your life will be on display to police officers you have never met. It dredges up every self-blaming, self-hating thought you’ve had and parades them through your head. Every nasty comment, every victim blaming piece of tripe that comes up in threads about rape? I’ve thought worse about myself. Reporting puts you through all that and all you’ve got is yourself and any support network you’ve been lucky enough to build.
It makes a lot of sense not to report. Frankly, reporting was the most counter-intuitive thing I’ve ever done. If, like me, you’re kinky or poly or queer and any of that was involved in your rape, if it wasn’t some stranger in a dark alley or you didn’t scream “NO,” it is a potentially terrifying prospect to go through a process that amounts to outing yourself to the police and your community. It makes even more sense not to report if you don’t think it will do any good. If you think people won’t listen to you why would you speak up? If you think you’ll be told the community is more important than naming your accuser why would you put yourself through this?
I am incredibly lucky. I have a fantastic support network of people who love me and a therapist who is the most kink-friendly vanilla person I’ve ever met. That’s why I feel comfortable coming forward. Not everyone has that, not everyone has the luxury of feeling safe enough to go to the police or even tell their partner or their friend what happened. That’s why I’m speaking up and offering my face and my name for this. Because he didn’t just rape and assault some nameless, faceless group of women, he raped me.
I have always been impressed by your convictions, philosophies, and willingness to engage in discussion with others in an effort of spreading education and eliminating ignorance. Your actions in this post and the open letter speak loudly to the type of person you are, and that is a very good reason to be proud.
I’ve either witnessed or listened to retelling of incidents of a similar nature where the victim feels like the only feasible option is to “suck it up and deal with it”. I usually end up adopting a stance of “I’ll support whatever actions the victim takes” which usually is dealing with the situation by trying to put everything in the past as quickly as possible. Not that there is much I can do on the other side of the world, but if there is anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask.
http://www1.umn.edu/aurora/
This place is incredibly supportive and helpful.
Sorry to hear about your rape experience. For the record I’ve never been charged with rape nor have I known anyone who has. I also have never known a woman that was raped in my real world. My question has to do with the use of the word “vanilla” to describe people not in the “kink” lifestyle you referenced. I guess I fall into that category, as being one that is monogamous and non kinky. Funny I’ve always thought of myself as being normal not vanilla. And I have been seeing this term on line quite a bit and it comes across to me as a pejorative term. Could you be so kind as to explain this in a way I can better understand?
Thank you.
grampmk, I’ll take a shot at replying. I’ve considered myself part of the kink community for a short time(little over a year). I’ll start off by saying that the term “vanilla” is usually not meant in a pejorative way, but it occasionally is used in a derogatory way. For me “vanilla” simply implies non- kink/non-BDSM. The term originally developed as in contrast to chocolate. That is, vanilla is nice and for some people that is all they need, but chocolate is more exciting. In this context a “therapist who is the most kink-friendly vanilla person” refers to a therapist who does not considered themselves to be kinky but accepts that kink is perfectly normal.
As you might guess, those in the kink lifestyle tend to avoid referring to themselves as not normal. Ultimately vanilla is used as an adjective/noun to differentiate from(sorry i am struggling for words) from kink. There are times I have used the following sentence. “The vanilla portion of my life is demanding quite a bit of attention these days. A combination of filing taxes, running errands, and hanging out with the family means I will not be able to make it to the party this weekend”. I hope that helps a bit. I don’t know of any definitive good starting guide for learning more, but this page from NCSF might provide a bit more information: https://ncsfreedom.org/component/k2/item/381.html
Thanks for your reply and helpful information. “term “vanilla” is usually not meant in a pejorative way, but it occasionally is used in a derogatory way” I’m sure that you and the other person who responded do not intend the term in negative fashion. And I was only curious. My being called names over the years is something I’m used to and is no big thing. Paying bills , cutting the grass, working on the car/van is pretty mundane but necessary stuff that we all must do. But I get great enjoyment from time spent with my family and friends, especially my grandkids. But I’m a live and let live type of guy and never ever criticize anyone for their chosen lifestyle, work or whatever. And for me I’ve had my ups and downs like all of us, but overall my so called “vanilla” lifestyle has worked for me.
Thank you
CG covered it pretty well, the intent isn’t for it to be insulting, much like cisgender or straight aren’t pejoratives. Vanilla can be pretty goddamn awesome.
I do want to call out one thing: you don’t know a woman in the real world who has told you she’s been raped. It’s statistically improbably you don’t know any rape survivors, male or female.
Thank you for your reply. And in your case it clearly isn’t used as a pejorative, but on other blogs it came across as such. But it’s no big thing, I’m used to being called names.
It is entirely possible that I have worked with or come into contact through business, a woman who was raped, but I had no way of knowing. Certainly in my family, none of the women has been raped. I have however met quite a few women on line that have told me they have been raped. But no, I have never been told by any woman I’ve known in the real world that they had been raped. As I’m sure you’ll agree topics like that aren’t discussed in casual terms and most people we meet in our daily lives are of the casual variety.
Just another follow up. I stumbled upon this link: http://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-vanilla-sex-bdsm-feminist-magazine-sexuality on Violet Blue’s blog. It provides another perspective on the term “vanilla”
Thanks for the link; “I wish [BDSM folks] would stop referring to me as ‘vanilla.’ If you’re making the case that everyone should be free to do what they like without being judged, why call non-BDSM people a derogatory name that implies they’re all prudish bores?”
That statement about sums up my feelings. And no it’s not everyone in the BDSM community saying that, but just going by what I see posted on line, it gives one the impression that most in the BDSM community feel that way. I may be wrong, but that is just how all this hits me. I’m all for consenting adults doing whatever it is that makes them happy. The BDSM types need to realized “vanilla” types need the same respect.