The internet terrifies me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly happy it exists, but it’s damned scary. The internet killed my game.
I don’t know what it is, but it’s so, so easy to lose track that there really is no divide between The Internet and Real Life. All the words we say are being read by another person, a person just as real as we are. That every time you @ somebody what an awful cunt they must be, there’s a phone that pings and a person who sees those words.
Sitting here in the wake of the 1 Reason Why phenomenon, I thought it was important to share my story as someone who didn’t push through and make their game anyway. I know so many incredible women who make games, it feels a little bit like it must be my fault for not trying hard enough or not loving it enough to push through, but I know it’s not. I know if a friend said those words to me I would hug her and remind her that self-care always comes first, that we are not our friends, and, most importantly, that she shouldn’t have to push through this pile of shit if she wants to write a game. That making a game shouldn’t be sad or deeply upsetting.
That’s why I stopped, ultimately. It wasn’t fun anymore. Sure, I could design it just for myself, never publish it, but if I do write a game I want to share it as widely as I can. I want it to be a reflection of myself, and a way to give some of myself back to the community I love. The thing is, that’s an incredibly vulnerable thing.
As I sit here, I blame myself for not being strong enough to overcome the misogyny and smug comments. For not ignoring every time I heard that I’d probably be a shitty designer anyway. For not fighting through the panic and racing heart every time I got a nasty tweet or someone posted something I’d written for ridicule, and worries that maybe this time the threats were real. I blame myself for all those things because I’ve been taught that, somehow, just by virtue of being on the internet, I’ve earned them.
That’s what you’re teaching people, when you drop slurs or snark about their projects. You’re teaching them that, just because of who they are, they deserve to be told that they’re less-than. That they could never produce anything worth reading. You want to know why there aren’t more women designing games? Because we’ve been told over and over and over that we could never produce anything you’d want to play, and to have the sheer audacity to think we might needs to be punished.
I really hope you do not give up your dream You are a talented writer and were designing a game I was looking forward too. If I can offer any help I will. I can offer encouragement and tell you the internet is full of self serving trolls. I suggest you develop your game with a group of people whose opinions you value and trust. The people you trust to be honest with you on the game good and bad points.
I am not someone you know well at all. But I read your blog and game update posts and would be happy as a veteran gamer and designer(38 years) who will be happy to offer “Constructive” Criticism
Keep you head up and you design focused.
Blessings,
AJ Franke
This post made me sad on many levels. I am sorry not to have a chance to play your game. But games are about fun and ultimately designing them should be fun too. If you aren’t having fun then what’s the point? I wish you the best.
Awful; such a sad post. Please, please keep making games. We’re all rooting for you. I don’t make games, and I don’t play them, but I’ve wanted to, had flutters… we need people like you to make great games for women because there’s heck-all out there now!
I would love it if you designed a game. But speaking as a woman who did design a game, who went out there and promoted it, I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to. There are days when I wonder quite a bit about making my next game – should I do it? Some of my experiences promoting Shelter in Place were terrible. Some of them were amazing. I wouldn’t blame anyone who didn’t want to do it. I don’t think I’m a better person for deciding to push through and do it. If I knew what would happen ahead of time, I don’t know if I would do it again. I really don’t.
FWIW, I want to play more games made by women. Pretty much every game I’ve seen designed by a woman has been thought provoking and clever, even when they weren’t themes that interested me personally. And some of them have tackled themes I never thought it would be possible to base a game on, which is awesome. Women are bringing a fresh perspective to the game design scene- not necessarily because there is anything magical about being a woman, but because they’ve been locked out of it for so long that the gameosphere has suffered in ways we haven’t even realized from the lack of their voices and ideas. It’s time to welcome women in, as players, as authors, as designers, as full comrades in the nerd life. Not because they’ve earned it- although they have- but because they were always just as entitled to it as the boys. It’s been theirs to claim all along, we just have to get the hell out of their way, and watch the fireworks.
full disclosure, I am writing this on a major sleep deficit, so I apologize if it makes no sense. @_@